I am starting this blog for myself.
I welcome others to read.
Thus I am not going to begin at the beginning of me, I don't know when that really was, rather I begin with now. And welcome you, and myself, to the middle of my life. This is my house and its full of perception and ideas that exist in a quarter-of-a-century-old/young woman's mind and life.
I currently have no touch on the world closer than another and am thrilled/frightened that much of the world has more in store for me than I might imagine at this very moment. Thrilled because I believe that growing and learning are at the core of living, changing. Frightened because sometimes I think because who's to say that that is really the point. Not that a point is the matter.
Currently I am enthralled in several technological conversations (as an overly communicative generation is these days, never away from another but also regularly far from all they love). I am in the midst of a text conversation with two old friends regarding our distant love for one another and how we plan to get together "sometime soon" inspired by a photo sent of legal daily task I used to partake in with them.
A g-chat conversation with my love regarding writing, he's writing about diabetes and his plans to improve that situation while I am writing here about the middle and not the beginning. He's funny and dreamy. Doesn't consider the now more than he experiences it.
An internal conversation is also going on in regards to a book I am pandering in and out of because god knows my thoughts are stable for as long as a fly is sitting. My itunes is shuffling between my most frequently played songs and between Kate Nash, Radiohead, Jose Gonzalez, and Iron & Wine I will surely be satisfied with a plethora of harmonic sounds and melodies. Wondering why certain illegal tasks are no longer appealing to me inspite of the mental appeal. Wondering why I'm not as content with a perfectly relaxing evening as I should be. And why "should" is still a part of my vocabulary in spite of my verbal fight and rebellion against it, and my adamant advocation of substituting 'should' with 'want' and 'could' and then questioning the purpose and reason for both substitutions.
Between all of these things I can stay focused on what seems most important in "the middle" of what is now and that is me. What selfishness exists at this moment and what a lack of shame, I have for that.
Selfish-centered around yourself and your ego. A curse? Potential blessing? A pursuit?
If this were work I'd be ask to explain myself more, but it isn't, so I won't, I allow you to interpret the value of selfishness in your life.
Attention-focus on what is valuable. Where you spend your time, where you place your attention, is a response to what you value? If I can't pay that close attention to one thing do I value nothing? Or is my subconscious finding some sort of a similarity between many things at once and in doing that finding great congruence with my psyche and other things or just great distraction from what is real?
Purpose-a reason. NO comment except the reminder of a funny song from years ago.
Anyhow here you are in the middle of my thinking. Welcome and I wish you luck in your middle.
